I am reaching out because you recently booked a ticket on my flight home. Given we will both be seated in row 12, please answer the following questions so that I may understand how heavily I should self-medicate to make this 5 hour journey somewhat bearable.
1. Will you be taking your shoes off during the flight?
No (skip to question 3)
2. How would you describe the smell associated with the above activity?
A pungent mix of sweat and sulfur
A cocktail of blue cheese, a touch of manure, expired milk and some bitters
3. How likely are you to have a prolonged hacking cough?
Neither Likely nor Unlikely
4. If you answered “Extremely Likely” or “Very Likely” to the previous question,how would you typically alleviate your symptom?
By coughing with a wide open mouth with your head slightly inclined towards the person in the window seat
By using the breath between coughs to complain about the cabin’s air quality
By walking up and down the aisle equally distributing coughs to both sides
5. Which of the following snacks will you bring on board? (Choose all that apply)
Hard boiled eggs still in their shell
Elaborately and individually wrapped crispy rice cakes
6. True or False: If your seat’s television screen is not working you should violently shake the seat in front of you while pressing every single button.
7. You decide you want a glass of tomato juice only after the flight attendants pass with the beverage cart. How loudly would you yell “STEWARDESS!!!”:
Enough for the economy cabin to hear
Enough for business class to wonder what was going on
As loudly as the ongoing hacking cough will permit
8. Please fill in the blank: If there is a brief period of turbulence I will _____________.
Recount to my seatmates every fatal plane accident in recent history.
Sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” in an increasingly loud tone.
Take the opportunity to grab both armrests and claim them for the remainder of the flight.
9. Do you wait until the seatbelt light is turned on to use the bathroom?
Thank you for taking the time to answer this survey. I’m looking forward to flying the friendly skies from the comfort of a heavily sedated state.